The second sign read: “ALL THOSE WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN DOMINATED BY THEIR WIVES, STAND HERE.” Underneath the sign stood one man.

He went over to the man, grabbed his arm and said, “What’s the secret, how did you do it? That other line has millions of men and you are the only one standing in this line.”

The man looked around with a puzzled expression and said, “Why, I am not sure I know. My wife just told me to stand here.”

We have all heard jokes about “who wears the pants in the family.” Yet, leadership in the home is no laughing matter. During the last few decades our culture has redefined the meaning and responsibilities of man and woman in society and in the home. Many men are confused and insecure. Many do not know how to act in the home. Growing up, they lacked a good model for leadership at home and have no mental picture of what it means to lead a family. Consequently, they do not lead effectively, or they do not even try. Increasingly, many men are becoming passive in the home. They’ve decided that the easiest thing to do is nothing. The simplest thing-with the smallest risk-is to stay on the fence with both feet firmly planted in mid-air and let the wife do it. When a man is married to a strong wife who will take over, he often lets her do just that.

Fortunately, there is an answer. The Scriptures clearly give us the model for being a man, a husband and father. I call that model the “servant/leader.”

I hope that the concepts I share will help you understand the biblical role of a husband more clearly than ever before. When correctly interpreted and applied, these concepts not only result in freedom for the husband and wife, but also help you work better as a team to combat isolation and conflict in your marriage.

BIBLICAL RESPONSIBILITIES FOR THE HUSBAND

Responsibility #1: Be a leader

The Scriptures provide a clear organizational structure for a marriage. Following are a couple of typical Scriptures:

But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ. 1 Corinthians 11:3

Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. Ephesians 5:22-30

In his commentary on Ephesians, William Hendriksen points out that God “…placed ultimate responsibility with respect to the household on the shoulders of the husband . . . The Lord has assigned the wife the duty of obeying her husband yet . . . this obedience must be a voluntary submission on her part, and that only to her own husband, not to every man.”

“Head” does not mean male dominance, where a man lords it over a woman and demands her total obedience to his every wish and command. God never viewed women as second-class citizens. His Word clearly states that we are all equally His children and are of equal value and worth before Him. As Galatians 3:28 tells us, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28).

The teaching of the New Testament clearly shows that women are to be respected, revered, and treated as equals with men. Unfortunately, many husbands have not gotten the message. They degrade their wives by neglect or with insensitive and abusive treatment. One cause of the feminist movement may have been that men abandoned God’s design. When God presented Eve to Adam in the Garden, Adam received her as a gift of great value to God and him. When husbands, particularly Christian husbands, do not treat their wives as a precious gift from God and helpmate, they can cause those wives to search for a way to find significance and value as persons, often outside God’s will.

Are you a leader? Men who are “natural” leaders have no trouble answering the question, yes. They know how to take over, control, guide, and get things done. Some men are not strong or natural leaders. How can they lead in the home?

Paul says the same to everyone. God has placed the husband in the position of responsibility. It does not matter what kind of personality a man may have. Your wife may be resisting you, fighting you, and spurning your attempts to lead, but it makes no difference. I believe our wives want us and need us to lead. You are not demanding this position; on the contrary, God placed you there. You will not lead her perfectly, but you must care for you wife and family by serving them with perseverance.

Scripture does more than assign leadership in a marriage to the husband, however. Those same passages you just read also provide a model for that leadership. The Apostle Paul says that the husband is head of the wife as Christ is head of the church. “This comparison of the husband with Christ reveals the sense in which a man should be his wife’s “head.” Hendriksen writes, “He is her head as being vitally interested in her welfare. He is her protector. His pattern is Christ Who, as head of the Church, is its Savior!”

Let’s look more closely at two responsibilities that flow out of proper leadership.

Responsibility #2: Love your wife unconditionally.

Ephesians 5:25 reads, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” Your unconditional acceptance of your wife is not based upon her performance, but on her worth as God’s gift to you. If you want to love your wife unconditionally, always be sure her emotional tank is full. One of the best ways to do that is to affirm her constantly. Let her know verbally that you value her, respect her, and love her. I have discovered that I simply cannot do that enough.

There is no question that words communicate love, but so do actions. You need to do both. As the Apostle John wrote in one of his letters: “let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth” (1 John 3:18). One of the missing ingredients in male leadership in homes is sacrificial action. When was the last time you gave up something for your wife-something you genuinely valued, like your golf game, a fishing trip, or your hobby? Sometimes you need to give up something you enjoy so your wife can have a break and see your love for her.

Responsibility #3: Serve your wife.

According to the New Testament, being head of your wife does not mean being her master, but her servant. Again, Christ is our model for this type of leadership. Jesus did not just talk about serving; He demonstrated it when he washed His disciples’ feet (John 13:1-17). Christ, the Head of the Church, took on the very nature of a servant when He was made in human likeness (Philippians 2:7).

One of the best ways to serve your wife is to understand her needs and try to meet them. Do you know what your wife’s top three needs are right now? If she is a young mother, she has a certain set of basic needs. If your children are grown and gone and you are in the empty nest, your wife has a different set of needs that you should try to meet. What is she worried about? What troubles her? What type of pressure does she feel? Learn the answers to questions like that, and then do what you can to reduce her worries, her troubles, her pressures.

What do you know about your wife’s hopes and dreams? I bet she has plenty-do you know what they are? Are you cultivating her gifts? If she has a knack for decorating, do you help her develop that?

Another way to serve your wife is to provide for her. This provision first involves assuming responsibility for meeting the material needs of the family. 1 Timothy 5:8 tells us, “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever.”

Providing for your wife also means taking the initiative in helping meet her spiritual needs. You do this by modeling godly character, by praying with her, by spending time together in God’s Word, and by looking for ways to encourage her spiritually.

To be a leader, a lover, and a servant is to accommodate your life to the life of the gift God has given you-your wife. Give up your life for hers and, at the Judgment Seat of Christ, He will say, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.”

[Editor's Note: This article originally appeared here at CBMW.]

We see leadership in Christ’s sacrifice not only in the fact that he planned it and took the initiative, but also in the fact that he died to give an example to us.  Jesus said, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me” (Matt. 16:24).  In other words, “I have taken the lead in suffering for love’s sake; now you take up your cross and follow me.”  This is why leadership is not mainly a right and a privilege, but a burden and a responsibility.—This Momentary Marriage, 85.

The aim of leadership is not to demonstrate the superiority of the leader, but to bring out all the strengths of people that will move them forward to the desired goal.––Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, 39.

Want more Piper on leadership? Here is a link to a helpful blog post at Desiring God entitled, “Six Characteristics of Spiritual Leadership”

From Amazon:

About the Author: Steve Farrar is the founder and chairman of Men’s Leadership Ministries. A graduate of California State University, Fullerton, with a Master’s degree from Western Seminary in Portland, Oregon, he also has an earned a doctorate from Dallas Theological Seminary. Steve authored the best-selling book, Point Man: How a Man Can Lead His Family and has since written fifteen other books. He is a frequent speaker at conferences, for Promise Keepers and at many other events nationwide. Steve and his wife, Mary, have three grown children and currently reside in suburban Dallas, Texas.

You can purchase Point Man here.

But there is some solid ground somewhere between the dad who sits idly by as his son chases butterflies rather than the baseballs in the outfield and the dad who screams at his child between every pitch as if it is the seventh game of the World Series. The Bible is far from silent on sports and athletic competition (Genesis 30:8, 32:24, Psalm 19:3-6, 2 Samuel 2:14, 1 Corinthians 9:24-27, Philippians 3:13-14, Galatians 2:2, Ephesians 6:12, Hebrews 12:1-4). In fact, the Apostle Paul uses the language of sports as one of his three primary metaphors (together with warfare and agriculture) for talking about the Christian life (see 2 Timothy 2:4-7 for all three). All three are physically demanding and require self-control and self-restraint for success.

No doubt Paul was a sports fan (he probably attended the Isthmian games), and it seems he couldn’t even think about the spiritual battle of Christian living without pointing to the obvious parallels drawn from his interest in athletic competition. As he does so, it doesn’t seem to have ever occurred to Paul that one would ever compete in an athletic contest without trying to win: “Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it” (1 Corinthians 9:24). In fact, he has no desire to “run aimlessly” (1 Corinthians 9:26). For Paul, sports involve agonizing, striving, discipline, self-control, hard work, focus, intensity and a desire for victory — just like the Christian life.

Paul made it clear there is something far more important than winning a perishable wreath on an athletic field but his point only makes sense in light of the appropriate desire to win on the athletic field (1 Corinthians 9:25). A child who doesn’t care if they win in a sporting contest and one who cannot lose without throwing a fit both have troubling character problems that ought to be addressed by Christian parents. Self-centered rage is not a spiritual virtue but neither is weak-willed apathy. Playing sports heartily, as for the Lord (Colossians 3:23), will often be visible in sweat, bruises and occasionally blood.

Though not keeping score in children and youth sports is often passed off as a Christian idea, I think the root of this kind of thinking is found in modern psychological theory and not the Bible. In 1969, Nathaniel Branden published a scholarly article called “The Psychology of Self-Esteem.” He argued that feelings of self-esteem were the key to success in life and his notion became the foundational presupposition in education and childrearing for a generation of Americans. When this theory is applied to children, praise is detached from any actual achievement. In “NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children,” Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman conclude that the result of this thinking is a generation of American young adults who feel better about themselves while achieving less.

If feelings of self-esteem are the key to success in life, then every child must be told they are a winner, even when they lose. Or better yet, the thinking goes, don’t keep score at all and nobody will ever lose. Everybody is always a winner. But there are grave implications for nurturing children in this type of self-oriented flattery culture where no one ever loses. The Bible keeps going out of the way to kick the legs out from under our misplaced self-esteem and calls us to Christ-esteem. There’s a danger in telling children, “All that matters is that you play nice, have fun, and feel good about yourself.” The danger is that they might believe it.

Nice little boys and girls who just want to have fun and feel good are not being equipped to give their lives for the sake of the Gospel among unreached people groups or even the difficult people in their own neighborhood. When scoreboards are turned off, as though keeping score is unspiritual, sports are stripped of the core of what makes them such a valuable metaphor for the Christian life. There are eternal winners and losers (Revelation 3:21). We are to count the cost, take up our cross and follow Him because we know what is at stake. At its best, sports provide Christian parents a limited but genuine theater for the examination and cultivation of Christ-honoring characteristics.

Many Christian families are involved in sports activities, and those who act as though nothing matters more than winning a particular game are involved in an idolatrous tragedy. Nevertheless, acting as though winning the game does not matter at all is an idolatry of another sort. A friend once summed up my fears about some families who like sports leagues that don’t keep score. He said, “They don’t care about the team or the game. They view all the other kids and the coaches simply as props for home movies of their children.” Some Christian parents rant about the negative impact of self-important professional athletes who act as though they are more important than the team even while they lobby for their child to be treated as more important than the team.

Our children are not soldiers, and sadly, fewer Americans kids are growing up farming, but many, if not most, play sports of some kind, and for the sake of the Gospel, we should keep score.

© 2012 by David Prince. All rights reserved by the author. Used by Permission.

Martha Peace and Stuart Scott. 2010. The Faithful Parent: A Biblical Guide to Raising a Family. Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing Company.

“Parents and children need help, a lot of help. They need help from the one who is perfect, who does understand our need, and who helps us: God himself. That’s what this book is about. The Faithful Parent gives a practical, biblical perspective about bringing children up “‘n the discipline and instruction of the Lord,’ through and because of God’s grace to us (Eph. 6:4)” (3-4).

Family Ministry Today: What motivated you to write “The Faithful Parent” ?

Stuart Scott: The desire to provide an encouraging, refining and practical book on parenting that addressed both typical and tough issues form a different yet biblical perspective: God’s and the Parent’s faithfulness rather than the “product” or the outcome.

FMT: What do you hope this book will accomplish?

SS: Helping parents where they really live, especially when things don’t go as planned or expected (this is a more accurate picture that the bible portrays).

FMT: Was there anything that you personally learned while writing this book which may have surprised you?

SS: Yes, how much there is about God and in His truth to help parents parent. Also, that I still had parental practices, perspective and beliefs that needed to be more affected by the truth of Scripture, and that the “fear of man” - “what will others think?” - was still an issue for me to content with.

FMT: Would you care to share what it was like working with Martha Peace?

SS: She is a godly woman who is very patient. Even though it was not always an easy process to blend our two intentions, it was great to partner with someone so like-minded scripturally.

FMT: What about the church? How can the church play a role in equipping parents to be “faithful”?

SS: Teach and disciple more on:

• The parents own life and heart as it relates to parenting and parenting issues
• Salvation issues and parenting; how not to minimize it, not take responsibility for it and not to assume it.
• Those difficulties that many do not want to (or think they can) talk about.
• The fact that there is no perfect family or parent - all are sinners and imperfect (in desperate need of the Gospel of Jesus Christ). The goal is to grow in faithfulness to God and the outcome is not really in our hands or to our credit.

Dr. Stuart Scott is Associate Professor of Biblical Counseling at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, Louisville, Kentucky; and Executive Director, National Center of Biblical Counseling.

Purchase The Faithful Parent here.

Dads, I want to urge you to take responsibility for your daughters’ dress. Fathers are absolutely essential to the cultivation of modesty. When a young lady dresses immodestly, it usually means her father has failed to lead, care for and protect her.  Without a father’s care and protection, she may be daily exposed to the lustful minds of men.

My three daughters are grown and married now, but from an early age I sought to impress upon them the importance of modesty. Before an article of clothing became a permanent part of their wardrobe my girls had to get my approval. This wasn’t always easy—for them or for me. Modest clothing is hard to find. Sometimes, they’d arrive home after an all day shopping trip only to hear me say: “That’s not gonna, work, my love. I’m so sorry, but exhaustion from shopping doesn’t excuse immodesty. We’re not going to compromise.”

You can read the whole post here.

Expert panel: In order to establish a sample population, an expert panel was assembled. The expert panel consisted of nine individuals who have a significant voice in the evangelical world as it pertains to family ministry. The panel included representatives of the three primary models of family ministry—family-equipping, family-based, and family-integrated. The expert panel provided a list of churches that, in their estimation, conducted family ministry well. Seventeen churches were nominated; twelve agreed to participate.

Phase One: Parental Perceptions and Practices: All eligible parents from each participating congregation were invited to take part in an online survey. The Family Discipleship Perceptions and Practices Survey (FDPPS) was hosted by an online data collection service.  The core questions of the survey had been previously validated, exhibiting a Cronbach alpha coefficient of 0.88. The entire survey, including requests for demographic information, consisted of twenty-five questions and should have taken no more than ten minutes to complete. The questions identified the parents’ perception of their role and responsibility as well as gauging the household practices in which the parents engage on a regular basis. This first phase resulted in usable data from 933 parents.

Phase Two: Telephone Interviews and Case Studies: The second phase consisted of phone interviews with all nominated churches that were willing to participate. The interview explored the church’s overall ministry approach and the specific plans or processes in place to equip and to encourage parents to become primary disciple-makers in their children’s lives. In addition, three churches were selected to participate in case studies. These churches were selected purposively based upon the high performance of parents on the survey instrument.

Key Findings
One question that drove this research was, “To what degree do parents perceive their role and responsibility as primary disciple-makers, and in what ways do they practice family discipleship as a household parental responsibility?” In the participating churches, parents perceived themselves as primary disciple-makers to a very high degree. The data also indicated that perceptions, in the case of these churches, do correlate with behaviors.

One item on the survey requested agreement or disagreement, in degrees, with this statement: “Parents—and particularly fathers—have a responsibility to engage personally in a discipleship process with each of their children.” The stronger the parents’ agreement with that statement, the more frequently the parents read or discussed the Bible with their children, the more frequently the parent discussed biblical or spiritual matters with their children while engaging in day-to-day activities, and the more frequently the parents engaged in family devotional or worship times.

Another item requested agreement or disagreement with this statement: “I prioritize consistent family devotional or worship times in my family’s schedule.” Stronger agreement with that statement correlated with higher frequencies of discussing the Bible, higher frequencies of discussing biblical or spiritual matters while engaging in day-to-day activities, and higher frequencies of family devotional or worship times. The patterns of prayer with children also related positively to prioritization of family devotional times. Interestingly, respondents with three of more children were more likely to prioritize family devotional times.

The stronger the disagreement with the statement, “I would like to do regular family devotions or Bible reading in our home, but my family is just too busy for that right now,” the higher the frequency in discussing the Bible, discussing biblical or spiritual matters during day-to-day activities, and engaging in family devotions or worship times in the home. The inverse is also true. For those respondents who indicated that they were presently too busy for family devotions or Bible readings, the frequency of the assessed behaviors was lower.

The more someone agreed that the church is the primary place where children should receive their Bible teaching, the less likely they were to be engaged in any home-based family discipleship activities. These parents were also less likely to engage in discussions with others regarding the spiritual development of their families.

Through interviews with the twelve participating churches as well as the three case studies of churches that performed strongly on the FDPPS, it became clear that seven particular practices marked these churches. Churches where parents were deeply engaged in practices of family discipleship tended to engage in more of these seven practices. No church leaders or members were ever asked whether they engaged in any of these practices. The seven practices became apparent as data from interviews and case studies were coded and analyzed. No church’s practices looked identical. Although every congregation practiced one or more of these seven practices, each church did so in ways that were unique to the congregation’s context.

The majority of churches (8 out of 12) provided a take-home of some sort for parents to connect teachings at church with conversations in their homes. Almost every church that participated in the study provided some level of training beyond weekend worship celebrations; the most significant training was specifically aimed at men. Nine churches indicated specific, intentional efforts to protect the schedules of families by limiting church activities. Eight of the twelve churches had instituted what they referred to as home groups or family life groups-small groups that meet as families in homes. Ten of the twelve churches that participated in interviews did not have a children’s worship time separate from the larger community of faith. A handful of the churches practiced intentional hospitality and fellowship in addition to the hospitality and fellowship that take place at the home groups. The practice of preaching was quite often one of the first practices that the interviewees mentioned. Of the twelve churches interviewed, four specically mentioned using “expository preaching” as a primary means of instructing parents on their roles as primary disciple-makers. Six other churches mentioned the significance of preaching, teaching from the pulpit, or the message proclaimed in weekend worship celebrations.

Although much of the discussion related to family ministry has revolved around retaining young adults a␣er they graduate from high school, not once in all the research did anyone suggest that their church’s practices were for the sake of retention. Instead, all efforts fell into one or more of three categories. These categories—strong fathers, strong families, and a strong church—can be seen in the diagram below. Although these categories have certain characteristics that can and do stand alone, they appear to function in a coexistent manner. Second, the categories feed one another. Although churches will have fragmented families, a biblical understanding of the family will recognize the unique role of the father. When the father is strong, this will help to facilitate strong families. When the families of the church are strong, this will strengthen the congregation. A strong church will seek to develop strong fathers, and so on.

Although exceptions were observed, one underlying key in the practices explored here was that, in churches where parents were most engaged in practices of family discipleship, age-segmented programs had been minimized (though not necessarily eliminated) while intergenerational activities had been maximized.

[Editor's Note: This research brief originally appeared in the Journal of Discipleship and Family Ministry 1.2.]

Part 1 - Introduction
Part 2 - The Testimony of Augustine
Part 3 - Family Discipleship in Medieval Theology
Part 4 - The Challenge of Christian Training in the Middle Ages
Part 5 - Godparents and Godchildren in the Middle Ages
Part 6 - Medieval Resources for Family Discipleship

Much has changed since the Middle Ages. Unlike most medieval theologians, the Protestant Reformers of the sixteenth century refused to see sexual expression within marriage as inherently tainted by sin. In the Protestant Reformation, then, the institution of marriage became much more important to the spiritual health of the church. As a consequence, the discipleship of children also became important, and the Reformers and their successors placed a greater priority on producing literature for this task. Rising literacy rates and improved educational levels in the late Middle Ages and Reformation era meant that many parents became more capable to teach their children biblical truths.

Contemporary evangelical churches approach the task of family discipleship much differently than medieval churches did. Our theology of the family and sexuality is obviously different-but the differences don’t end there. The educational resources available to parents in contemporary literate societies are also much greater. Families in the Middle Ages had little or no access to the Scriptures, much less a Bible in their own language. They possessed few pieces of printed literature, and they often had no consistent preaching to challenge them. These facts make the efforts of persons like Caesarius and Gerson worthy of high commendation. Without printed resources or frequent preaching of Scripture, these men searched for pathways to establish discipleship practices in Christian households. Their example makes the task of partnering church and family all the more urgent for Christians today with such a wealth of resources. This should also call many of us to develop creative ways to help less literate persons to disciple their children. With great resources comes great responsibility.

Martin Luther, urging German cities to establish Christian schools, put it this way:

Buy while the market is at your door; gather in the harvest while there is sunshine and fair weather; make use of God’s grace and word while it is there! For you should know that God’s word and grace are like a passing shower of rain which does not return where it has once been. . . . Paul brought it to the Greeks; but again when it’s gone it’s gone, and now they have the Turk. Rome and the Latins also had it; but when it’s gone it’s gone, and now they have the pope. And you Germans need not think that you will have it forever, for ingratitude and contempt will not make it stay. Therefore, seize it and hold it fast, whoever can; for lazy hands are bound to have a lean year (1).

Luther’s admonition applies to all who are charged with discipling children, whether in the classroom in the congregation or in the family. Parents must take advantage of this season of blessing by utilizing the abundant resources available to them to become primary faith-trainers in their children’s lives.

[Editor's Note: This article was adapted from the book Trained in the Fear of God, edited by Randy Stinson and Timothy Paul Jones.  Used by Permission.]

Part 1 - Introduction
Part 2 - The Testimony of Augustine
Part 3 - Family Discipleship in Medieval Theology
Part 4 - The Challenge of Christian Training in the Middle Ages
Part 5 - Godparents and Godchildren in the Middle Ages

Although discipleship within the family seems to have been promoted primarily by local priests and revolved around parents and godparents teaching their children basic doctrinal statements and prayers, evidence reveals that other resources were available for some. In the Netherlands and Belgium, for example, several “household codices”- manuscripts containing the Apostles’ Creed, the Ten Commandments, the Lord’s Prayer, and other prayers that were deemed important for the faith and morals of the family-have survived. In a few cases, resourceful pastors or laypersons may have produced manuals for family discipleship (1).

John Bromyard, a fourteenth-century Dominican friar in Hereford, produced a work that was intended as an aid for Dominican preachers in their mission. Bromyard called upon parents to discipline their children appropriately, to teach them God’s commandments, and to teach them to restrain their tongues. Bromyard scolded parents for caring more for their children’s physical wellbeing than for their spiritual vitality: “If they should see them poor they are saddened and sigh. If they see them sinning, nobody is sad.” To make matters worse, he complained, wealthy parents send their children to the courts of nobles to complete their education and training, but neglect to provide for the education of their souls, “rejoicing to see them led to the gallows of hell with oaths, fopperies, bad manners and dissolute company, grieving and weeping when they see them learning the art of a good life” (2).

Such challenges undoubtedly encouraged family discipleship. If Bromyard’s preaching was representative of other Dominican preaching, then perhaps the Dominican order was a useful resource for encouraging family discipleship in the late Middle Ages.

A number of factors made the promotion of family discipleship a challenge for the medieval church. Certainly the most significant challenge was illiteracy. Not only were many fathers and mothers illiterate, low literacy rates made the production books, and especially Bibles, expensive. This was a problem peculiar to medieval Europe, since literacy rates and educational levels in the regions that had once comprised the eastern Roman Empire were considerably better (3). The poor state of preparation among many parish priests did not help the situation. Further complicating matters, a large number of the clergy-and many of its best educated-were removed from parish life because of their service in monasteries. They were not involved in the spiritual development of families and produced very little to aid those who were. While in some cases a few other resources were available, many times the church’s main effort to promote family discipleship consisted of encouraging parents and godparents to teach children basic truths and prayers.

Next: Conclusion

(1) Anneke B. Mulder-Bakker, “The Household as a Site of Civic and Religious Instruction: Two Household Books from Late Medieval Brabant,” in Household, Women, and Christianities in Late Antiquity and the Middle Ages, ed. Anneke B. Mulder-Bakker and Jocelyn Wogan-Browne (Turnhout, Belgium: Brepols, 2005), 199.

(2) G. R. Oust, Literature and Pulpit in Medieval England: a Neglected Chapter in the History of English Letters and of the English People (Oxford: Basil & Blackwell, 1966), 463-466.

(3) At age seven, children in Constantinople were sent to study at a neighborhood school, where they would study the Psalms, various selections from the Bible (especially Proverbs and Ecclesiastes), and Homer. Parents assisted children as they learned these lessons. See Marcus Rautman, Daily Life in Byzantium (Westport, CT: Greenwood Press, 2006), 54.By the sixth century, schools were open to educate a large proportion of the children of freedmen. In the eleventh century, emperor Alexius Comnenus opened free schools for all, regardless of social class; Tamara Talbot Rice, Everyday Life in Byzantium (New York: Dorsett Press, 1967), 192.

[Editor's Note: This article was adapted from the book Trained in the Fear of God, edited by Randy Stinson and Timothy Paul Jones.  Used by Permission.]

Part 1 - Introduction
Part 2 - The Testimony of Augustine
Part 3 - Family Discipleship in Medieval Theology
Part 4 - The Challenge of Christian Training in the Middle Ages

In the seventh century, Caesarius had advocated the use of the Apostles’ Creed and the Lord’s Prayer for the discipleship of the laity. Caesarius had said, “You yourselves learn especially the Creed and the Lord’s Prayer, and teach them to your children. Indeed, I do not know whether a person should even be called a Christian if he neglects to learn a few words of the creed” (1). He moved beyond words to action as he preached simple sermons expounding upon the words of both statements. Further, he urged parents to teach these statements to their children and baptismal sponsors to teach them to their godchildren when they reached a suitable age.

Building upon Caesarius’s methodology, reformers during the reign of Emperor Charlemagne required the sponsors of infants at baptism to commit to teach their godchildren the Creed and the Lord’s Prayer. They made this requirement more practical by promoting translations of both statements into the language of the common people.This practice eventually became the standard approach in regions that had once comprised the Western Roman Empire.Documents from medieval England reveal that this practice definitely took hold there as well. Manuals intended for the training of priests in England contain admonitions that godparents should be charged with the spiritual upbringing of children, teaching them the Lord’s Prayer, the Apostles’ Creed, and the Hail Mary. The responsibility for the selection of godparents in these manuals apparently rested partly upon parents, who were urged not to accept as sponsor anyone who did not know these prayers.

Given the educational levels of both clergy and laity and the limited access to the Scriptures, use of these prayers was a practical solution to the problem of promoting a deeper understanding of the Christian faith among the masses. Further, admonishing baptismal sponsors to teach them provided the church with an official avenue to promote at least a basic level of discipleship. Unfortunately, the church had no means to hold parents and baptismal sponsors accountable to this task. In fact, no documentary evidence exists to reveal whether or not medieval godparents even taught the children these prayers. In some cases mothers took this task upon themselves (2).

Next: Medieval Resources for Family Discipleship

(1) Caesarius of Arles, , vol. 1, 100.

(2) Regarding godparents, see Barbara Hanawalt, The Ties That Bound: Peasant Families in Medieval England (New York: Oxford University Press, 1986), 246; also Peter Fleming, Family and Household in Medieval England (New York: Palgrave, 2001), 62, and, Joseph H. Lynch, Godparents and Kinship in Early Medieval Europe (Princeton: Princeton University Press, 1986), 312-319. Numerous scholars make the argument that mothers trained their children in Christian faith, including Mitchell, Family Life in the Middle Ages, 171; Mary Martyn McLoughlin, “Children and Parents from the Ninth to Thirteenth Centuries,” in Medieval Families: Perspectives on Marriage, Household, & Children, ed. Carol Neel (Toronto: University of Toronto Press, 2004), 47; Vauchez, The Laity in the Middle Ages, 91; Jennifer Ward, Women in Medieval Europe, 1200-1500 (New York: Longman, 2002), 58.

[Editor's Note: This article was adapted from the book Trained in the Fear of God, edited by Randy Stinson and Timothy Paul Jones.  Used by Permission.]

One factor that influenced family discipleship during this period was the state of the clergy. Not all clergy during the medieval era served as pastors. In fact, large numbers of clergy had no ministry whatsoever among laypeople. Monasticism had grown in popularity throughout the Middle Ages, and many monks lived their lives within the confines of cloistered communities. The primary responsibility for teaching laypeople the doctrines and practices of the church fell to the “secular clergy”—to the priests who served as pastors in communities. Yet many of these secular clergy were poorly trained and ill-equipped for their ministries. Boniface, an Anglo-Saxon missionary in the eighth century, found secular clergy living in drunkenness, sexual sin, and ignorance regarding the most basic matters of Christian faith.

In the late eighth and early ninth centuries, even the requirements that church reformers laid upon the secular clergy were very basic: Bishops should ensure that priests understood the Apostles’ Creed and the Lord’s Prayer, could conduct a proper baptism and mass, and could sing certain psalms. Complaints about the ignorance and hypocritical lifestyles of the clergy continued into the Reformation era (1).

Preaching was often limited to bishops, who were better educated, especially in the early medieval period. Few among the laity had access to the Bible or even the capacity to read.Laypeople encountered Scripture only as it was read during weekly liturgies, and then typically in Latin. Families seeking an encounter with God through Scripture could often do so only at the church during the liturgy—and then only if they understood Latin! During the later centuries of the Middle Ages, the frequency of access to preaching did increase as educational levels improved and as mendicant preaching orders began to make their rounds.

Since families had little or no access to the Bible, the spiritual lives of families might often depend upon the liturgy and ceremonies of the church. Baptism and confirmation were particularly important moments for parents in the spiritual lives of their children. Confirmation developed because of the desire to distance infants and younger children from participation in Holy Communion. Confirmation provided priests with the opportunity to examine the understanding of youths, to communicate the basics of the Christian faith, and to affirm the individual’s standing in the community (2). These more extensive requirements may have kept some from participating. The rite of baptism, then, became even more important, both in the eyes of the church hierarchy and in the eyes of parents. In many cases, the emphasis on the one-time act of baptism seems to have resulted in de-emphasis on processes of Christian training and discipleship.

Next: Godparents and Godchildren in the Middle Ages

(1) Lynch, The Medieval Church, 77-80, 89-90, 339.

(2) Kathryn Ann Taglia, “The Cultural Construction of Childhood: Baptism, Communion, and Confirmation,” in Women, Marriage, and Family in Medieval Christendom: Essays in Memory of Michael M. Sheehan, C. S. B., ed. Constance M. Rousseau and Joel T. Rosenthal (Kalamazoo, MI: Medieval Institute Publications, 1998), 276-283; Linda E. Mitchell, Family Life in the Middle Ages (Westport, CT: Greenwood Press, 2007), 173.

[Editor's Note: This article was adapted from the book Trained in the Fear of God, edited by Randy Stinson and Timothy Paul Jones.  Used by Permission.]

He sat the bench.

You may be thinking that such news sounds more like a cause for depression than celebration—and at the beginning of the season, my middle-school son would have agreed with you. The truth is, I do not want him to want to sit the bench. I want him to try with every ounce of his ability to earn a starting position. Yet I also want him to know how to be a leader even when he finds himself sitting on

the bench despite his best efforts. In most sports leagues prior to middle school, the focus had been teaching the fundamentals of the game and giving everyone an opportunity to play. This philosophy, coupled with the fact that my son was consistently one of the better players on past teams, meant that he rarely spent much time on the bench. But in sports, as with other areas of life,

greater age brings greater responsibility and accountability—and a strong dose of maturing reality. On athletic teams this means, appropriately, a transition from playing time being given to playing time being earned. It also means recognizing that God has gifted some people with superior athletic abilities.

My son was excited when team tryouts were announced. He made the team, practices began, and the team moved toward the start of the season. We decided he would get up before school in the morning and run two miles on the treadmill to increase his stamina. Yet when the team began playing games, he rarely got off the bench and I began to notice his demeanor. He seemed disinterested and chatty. He was only engaged and focused when he was in the game. On the floor, he was loud and fiery. When he was on the bench, which was most of the time, he rarely left his seat and his posture was relaxed and slouching.

I heard one parent say about their son in a similar situation, “Well, what do you expect when he is sitting the bench? You have to feel sorry for him working so hard and not getting to play.”

I didn’t understand that mentality. I was pleased that my son was on the bench. It provided him with the opportunity to learn what his father expects when his son finds himself on the bench. It’s actually the same thing I expect of him when he is a starter: that he be a leader who uses every ounce of his ability and effort to glorify Jesus. I did not feel one bit sorry for him working so hard and not getting to play. The truth is, my son needed to be a role player on that team; and the truth is, most of us end up being role players in life, not stars or starters.

One day after a game I asked my son, “Why aren’t you being a leader on your team?” He glanced up at me with a perplexed expression that seemed to indicate wonder at whether I had seen him sitting the bench. From that point, my son and I developed a strategy for leading from the bench. We sought to answer some questions. How can you sit on the bench in a way that says, “I am as committed to the success of the team here as I would be if I were shooting free throws with the game on the line? How can you sit the bench and positively affect the other players on the bench and the players in the game? How can you sit the bench in a way that honors your coach?”

Developing our plan began with honest evaluation. I told him, “On this team you are not very talented and do not deserve to play very much right now. And that is okay; you can figure out your role and do everything you can to help the team be the best it can be—which is what each player should do anyway.” I was pleased to see that my son responded well to this honest call to courage and self-sacrifice. The reminder that the team as a whole is more important than any one player and that my son should fulfill his role for the good of the team even if it was not glamorous-those truths triumphed over the selfish individualism that had reared its ugly head early in the season. He was learning about far more than basketball at that point. My son was learning a lesson about human pride, grace, temptation, and the wiles of the evil one ( James 4:6-7).

Below I’ve outlined the game plan that my son and I created. Perhaps you’ll have a son who will someday be sitting the bench—or perhaps he already is. If so, great! Seize the opportunity for the glory of Christ. If you prop up the notion that your son’s desires are more important than the good of the team, do not be surprised when he someday concludes that his desires are more important than the good of his family, his church, and everything else too.

• Make sure your posture communicates that you are engaged. Sit on the edge of your seat.
• Be the loudest player on the bench cheering for your team.
• Leap from your seat every time your team scores or gets a turnover.
• Get out of your seat during timeouts; go out on the court and greet the players who are in the game. Talk only about the game to your teammates on the bench.
• Listen to everything your coach says when he speaks, looking him in the eye.
• Be the first one to volunteer if your coach needs something done.
• Thank the referees after every game.
• When you do get into the game, remember that you may not be the most talented player out there, but you can be the toughest player: dive for every loose ball, play tough, and never get out-hustled
• Make the more talented players better by being tough on them in practice: challenge them and make them fight for everything they get.

© 2009 by David Prince. All rights reserved by the author. Used by Permission.  This article recently appeared in The Journal of Discipleship and Family Ministry 1.2.

Part 1
Part 2

Augustine’s theological teachings greatly influenced the intellectual life of the church of the early and high Middle Ages. Whether the topic was the Trinity, the sacraments, the interpretation of Scripture, or the doctrine of the church, theologians and commentators referenced the fifth-century overseer of Hippo first and most often. The question often became not whether Augustine was correct on a subject, but whether or not the current generation was interpreting Augustine correctly (1).

Medieval writings on the institution of marriage certainly reflected Augustine’s influence. Unfortunately, Augustine’s emphasis upon the value of discipling one’s children was not often a focus of attention. No major medieval theologians seem to have produced any works exclusively devoted to the subject of spiritual training in the context of a family.The subject of the family was most often broached within the context of the sacrament of marriage, and even within those discussions, many theologians failed to replicate Augustine’s concern for discipleship within the context of the Christian household.

Gregory the Great and Hugh of St. Victor
Gregory the Great was one such church leader. As overseer of the Roman church in the late sixth and early seventh centuries, he played an important role in establishing the papacy as an influential office in the medieval church.Like Augustine, he argued that intercourse was appropriate only for that purpose. Unlike Augustine, he did not include the discipleship of one’s children among the virtues or values of marriage. The work of Hugh of St. Victor is in the same vein. His work, On the Sacraments of the Christian Faith, describes marriage as a sacrament that is integrally related to the union of Christ and the church. Even before the Fall, God prescribed the duty of sexual intercourse for the purpose of procreation. Humanity’s fall into sin left this marital privilege tainted by sinful passions and desires (2). Hugh-like Gregory and unlike Augustine-bypassed the positive role that parents play in providing Christian formation for their children.

Thomas Aquinas
The thirteenth-century theologian Thomas Aquinas echoed Augustine more accurately, at least with respect to the place of family discipleship. Consistent with what had been written before him, Thomas described the purpose of marriage before the first sin to have been the procreation of children. After the first sin, he asserted, the purpose became twofold: the procreation of children and the safeguarding of Christians against sexual sin.

Unlike Gregory and Hugh, Thomas articulated an important place for the education of children. The duty of marriage, he explained, was to produce offspring, but by the term “offspring,” he intended not only “the begetting of children, but also their education, to which as its end is directed the entire communion of works that exists between man and wife as united in marriage.” For Thomas, producing offspring was the principal goal of marriage, and educating them was the secondary goal (3).

Thomas produced a manual of instruction, The Catechetical Instructions of St. Thomas Aquinas. Scholars describing family life in the Middle Ages have commented that the church during this period produced no catechisms (4). If by the term “catechism” one means a document in question-and-answer format designed for the direct instruction of children, no such documents were produced during the Middle Ages. Augustine, however, had produced a work entitled Catechizing of the Uninstructed, which offered a framework for pastors and teachers to provide basic doctrinal teaching. Faithful to that tradition, Thomas published an instruction manual for pastors that offered simple explanations of the Apostles’ Creed, the Lord’s Prayer, the Hail Mary, the Ten Commandments, and the seven sacraments. While the document was not intended to be used in the household, it at least provided a much-needed resource for church leaders that would encourage attention to the young. The only other major church leader to produce such a work during the Middle Ages was Jean Gerson in the fifteenth century (5).

Jean Gerson
Gerson made a concerted effort to improve discipleship in the family during an age in which many were crying out for a reform of the church at all levels. Gerson became chancellor of the University of Paris in 1395 and quickly concerned himself with bringing much needed reform to the church. He saw that the church needed more than a reform at the top. The faith and morals of the people needed reform as well, and this had to start with the education of children. In a number of sermons preached before crowds at the university he called upon parents to disciple their progeny.

Like Augustine and Aquinas before him, Gerson stated that marriage was ordained not only for the procreation of children but also for their education. Parents who neglected to disciple their children “will be held more accountable than if they let their offspring die of hunger” (6). This process, he argued, involved both moral and spiritual formation. Parents must ensure that children are reared in an environment that is morally pure and should inculcate virtuous speech and work habits.

To address the spiritual needs of families, Gerson published a manual for priests, much like those of Augustine and Aquinas before him, which explained what he perceived to be the basic components of Christian training: the Lord’s Prayer, the Hail Mary, the Apostles’ Creed, the seven sacraments, the seven grades of holy orders, and the six branches of penance. His manual is more extensive than those of his predecessors, including comments on ethics and spirituality.Gerson clearly saw that the proper discipleship of children was important-not only for the welfare of families, but for the welfare of the entire church. And so, he created a resource to forge a partnership between training at church and training in the context of Christian households.

In the Middle Ages, interest in the institution of marriage often centered on the function and negative impact of sexuality within the institution. The discipleship of children was overlooked entirely by some of the most influential writers of the period. Thomas Aquinas and Jean Gerson were clearly exceptions.

Simply because many of the major thinkers of the church were not writing on the topic of family discipleship does not, however, mean that nothing was being done to train children in the fear of God. Outside the halls of the medieval universities and monastic cloisters, some pastors and preachers in direct contact with laypeople were making an effort to bring Christian discipleship into the household.

(1) For a discussion on Augustine’s influence on medieval theology, see Jaroslav Pelikan, The Christian Tradition: A History of the Development of Doctrine, vol. 3, The Growth of Medieval Theology (600-1300) (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1978), especially pp. 1-49.

(2) Hugh of St. Victor, On the Sacraments of the Christian Faith, in A Scholastic Miscellany, 318.

(3) Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologica, vol. 5, translated by Fathers of the English Dominican Province (Allen, TX: Thomas More Publishers), 2702, 2726.

(4) See for instance, Bernard Hamilton, Religion in the Medieval West (New York: Oxford University Press, 2003), 79; also André Vauchez, The Laity in the Middle Ages: Religious Beliefs and Devotional Practices, trans. Margery J. Schneider, ed. Daniel E. Bornsten (South Bend: University of Notre Dame Press, 1996), 90.

(5) See Thomas Aquinas, The Catechetical Instruction of St. Thomas Aquinas, trans. Joseph B. Collins (Catholic Primer, 2004), http://www.scribd.com/doc/3243405/Catechism-of-St-Thomas-Aquinas (accessed 8 February 2010). Collins comments that Thomas deserves a place in the history of Catholic catechetical instruction among Augustine, Gerson, Charles Borromeo, Peter Canisius, and others. Interestingly, the only medieval figure on the list is Gerson. See idem, 10.

(6) D. Catharine Brown, Pastor and Laity in the Theology of Jean Gerson (New York: Cambridge University Press, 1987), 238-242.

[Editor's Note: This article was adapted from the book Trained in the Fear of God, edited by Randy Stinson and Timothy Paul Jones.  Used by Permission.]

Even as Augustine became an adherent of a false religion known as “Manichaeism,” Monica refused to give up her concern for her son’s soul, weeping more for him “than ever mothers wept for the bodily death of their children.” Her prayers for her son seemed to have been answered in a dream; in Monica’s dream, a voice told her, “Where you are, he will be.” Confident that the Lord had assured her of her son’s eventual salvation, she shared this dream with Augustine. Although Augustine suggested that his mother had misunderstood the message, Monica steadfastly denied any misunderstanding.Her prayers for him continued, even after he moved to Italy to advance his teaching career.

Of course, the Lord did not leave Augustine in that state. After he moved from Rome to Milan, Augustine began to listen to the sermons of Ambrose-not because of any interest in Christian faith but because of Ambrose’s renowned rhetorical skills. Eventually, Augustine was converted, and Monica lived to see Ambrose baptize her son.

Augustine never specifically mentioned any attempts by his mother to provide formal instruction for her son in the Christian faith. Yet, whether or not Monica attempted to teach her son the Apostles’ Creed or the Lord’s Prayer, or even to read Scripture to him, her influence upon his spiritual life is undeniable. Her prayers, dreams, and confidence in God’s sovereignty had an obvious impact upon Augustine’s pilgrimage to faith. Perhaps as a testimony to his mother’s influence, when Augustine taught on marriage as pastor of the church in Hippo he frequently emphasized the important role that a parent plays in the discipleship of children.

Marriage and the Discipleship of Children in the Theology of Augustine
Marriage was a controversial topic in Augustine’s day. Asceticism, the physical discipline of the body and denial of bodily desires, was a popular approach to sanctification. Theologians were suspicious about the wholesomeness of sexual intercourse, even within the context of marriage. Jerome, a prominent churchman and controversialist, had written a scathing response to a Roman Christian named Jovinian, simply because Jovinian contended that marriage and lifelong virginity were equal in holiness. Jerome’s response to Jovinian was so harsh that many considered his tirade to be an attack upon the institution of marriage itself (3).

Augustine’s view of marriage, though still negatively influenced by the asceticism of his day, was more measured than Jerome’s. According to Augustine, God ordained marriage before humanity’s fall into sin for the purpose of begetting children. Ever since humanity’s fall into sin, intercourse-even between a husband and wife-has been tainted by lust and sin (4). This does not, however, negate the value of marriage. Marriages, Augustine stated, can produce children honorably, lawfully, and chastely “in a social role. . . . They educate those children without favoritism, soundly, and perseveringly” (5). Despite disagreement with Augustine’s view of sexual relations between a husband and wife, contemporary evangelicals can still glean wisdom from Augustine: At a time when many Christians elevated asceticism above marital relations, Augustine saw value in this relationship precisely because marriage provided an opportunity for parents to educate children in the Christian faith.

Augustine’s understanding of the importance of the parents’ role in training children is further underscored by a treatise that he wrote to provide encouragement to a widow whose daughter had decided to remain a virgin for life. All the widow’s children had evidently turned out well. “They were,” Augustine declared, “born because of your fertility, they live because of your good fortune, but their development like that is due to your good will and ability. . . . In [your daughter] you participate in something you do not have” (6). According to Augustine, the widow received spiritual benefit from the daughter’s commitment because the widow had worked to develop her daughter spiritually. Though Augustine believed that virginity was a state deserving special merit, he demonstrated that parenthood also provided an opportunity for a worthy endeavor of another kind, the discipleship of children. Surely his own mother’s unwavering dedication had not been forgotten.

Next: Gregory the Great

(1) Augustine, Confessiones 9.8.17.

(2) This was a rite which was at the time given to catechumens, only later in history to be used during the service of baptism. See John K. Ryan, “Notes to Book 1,” in Augustine, The Confessions of St. Augustine, trans. John K. Ryan (New York: Doubleday, 1960), 373. Augustine, Confessiones, 1.11.17, in The Confessions, The Works of Saint Augustine: A Translation for the 21^st Century, Part I, vol. 1, trans. Maria Boulding, ed. John E. Rotelle (Hyde Park, NY: New City Press, 1997), 51.

(3) For the background on Augustine’s treatises on marriage, see David Hunter, “Introduction,” in Augustine, Marriage and Virginity, The Works of Augustine: a Translation for the 21^st Century, Part I, vol. 9, trans. Ray Kearney, ed. David G. Hunter (Hyde Park, NY: New City Press, 1999).

(4) For Augustine’s important works on marriage, see Augustine, Marriage and Virginity, The Works of Augustine: a Translation for the 21^st Century. See also Augustine, De Civitate Dei, 14.10-26.

(5) Augustine, Holy Virginity, in Marriage and Virginity, 74.

(6) Augustine, The Excellence of Widowhood, in Marriage and Virginity, 124.

___________

[Editor's Note: This article was adapted from the book Trained in the Fear of God, edited by Randy Stinson and Timothy Paul Jones.  Used by Permission.]

“How much more, then, should it not suffice for your spiritual profit that you hear the divine lessons in church, but among your company at home you should engage in sacred reading, even several hours, at night, when the days are short,” declared Caesarius of Arles, a bishop in southern Gaul in the sixth century A.D.

These words from Caesarius represent a commitment to family discipleship that is a credit to the medieval western church. At the same time, in the millennium that stretches from the late ancient period to the Renaissance, one also finds much testimony that reflects poorly upon the church’s partnership with families.

With the dawning of imperial favor in the fourth century A.D. and the crumbling of the Roman Empire in the fifth, the primary locus of Christian practice drifted from homes to dedicated institutional structures. Especially in the early Middle Ages, generations grew less literate, and training in Christian traditions increasingly became the domain of professional clergy in ecclesiastical institutions. Still, reformers and pastors ranging from Caesarius in the sixth century to Jean Gerson in the fifteenth century boldly called upon churches to improve their efforts at bringing discipleship into the household.

To understand the theology and practice of family discipleship throughout this era, it is necessary first to look carefully at Augustine of Hippo, whose work proved to be the reference point for so many medieval theological discussions. From this vantage point, the contributions of medieval theologians and the practices of medieval churches will become far clearer.

Next: Testimony from Augustine

[Editor's Note: This article was adapted from the book Trained in the Fear of God, edited by Randy Stinson and Timothy Paul Jones.  Used by Permission.]