Balancing family and ministry: Part 1: priority and capacity
Over the last several weeks I have been pulled aside by several young pastors asking me for advice. They want to know how to balance the demands of ministry and the demands of their family. These are younger guys in their 20s and 30s and they are stressed out. They’re feeling the pull to produce and be effective in their churches, but they are also trying to avoid an explosion in their family that can come with being distracted by too much work. Some of them are also still in school.
These are good men who want to know how to succeed in family and ministry. The question they’re asking me about balance is one I’ve asked many ministers as well. In fact, for years I’ve made a habit of asking older men with long and flourishing ministries how they have accomplished the balance. Most of them express that they don’t have easy answers, and that they have experienced a lot of frustrations and disappointments as they’ve tried to sort it out in their homes and churches.
This response testifies to the fact that the Bible doesn’t have any quick or canned answers to this question. There is no place in the Bible with a formula for success on this matter: x hours in ministry + y hours at home = success.
Related: Join Heath Lambert at the Counsel The Word conference at Southern Seminary September 18-19. Early registration deadline is June 20th
That doesn’t mean the Bible is void of things to say or that we can’t help young guys (like myself!) who are trying to figure this out. There are five categories that I speak about when answering this question that flow out of my own life. I don’t think these five principles are the final word on this matter, but they have helped me to think through this critical issue in the context of my own life and ministry.
1. Biblical Priorities
It is true that the Bible does not have a formula for how to parse out our schedule between family and ministry. The Bible does, however, establish an order of importance in these two. 1 Timothy 3:4-5 says that the minister must, “Manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?”
The simple truth of this passage is that men are not allowed to care for God’s church until they have learned to care for their own home. There can be no success in caring for God’s church until there has been success in caring for your home. This means that men who are committed to having successful ministries must be committed to having well-ordered homes. You cannot have the former without the latter.
I think this means a couple of very practical things. First, it means that your children are obedient and submissive. This is the very thing the text says. Men, if your children are disobedient and unruly then you need to spend more time at home with them.
Second, it means that your wife feels close to you. If your wife senses that your relationship is distant, then it is. Period. You need to get home and spend time with your wife.
Incidentally, you can be honest with your church about this. If you’re humble, open, and interested to point your church in the direction of the Scriptures on this matter, then a godly congregation will be sensitive. Even if your congregation is not understanding, your priorities do not change. It’s better to have an angry congregation or no congregation than a broken home.
2. Ministry Capacity
After you have put your family first, then you need to reckon with your ministry capacity. God has given all of us different callings and distinct giftings that are appropriate to those callings.
When I talk about ministry capacity I use the analogy of plate-sizes. This issue has to do with how much ministry we can handle, and not all of us have the same plate size. Some people have the ministry capacity of a large serving platter. I have the capacity of a saucer. That’s okay.
Related: Counseling and the heart of Christ
In addition to my leadership at ACBC I have the honor of being a professor of biblical counseling at Southern Seminary and Boyce College. I work with a lot of intelligent and talented people. Many of my professor-friends kiss their wives good night and then descend into their studies where they read and write until the wee hours of the morning. I wish I could do that. If I could I would be so much more productive. But I can’t. My body starts to shut down by 9:00 and by 10:00 I’m nearly unconscious. If I regularly stayed up until 2:00 or 3:00 I would probably kill every single person I know.
I am much more productive in the morning when I am rested and the day is fresh. This is also the time when there are classes to teach and meetings to have, so I end up not spending a lot of this time in isolated productivity. I might wish that it were different, but it’s not. God didn’t make me like my very gifted friends, and I’m ok with that. I don’t have to be able to read as much, write as well, and have as many gifts as other people. I just have to be faithful with what God has given me.
We don’t usually get to decide our plate-size, but we are called to be faithful with what we put on it. This means we need to be honest about who we are, and how God has gifted us and not covet other people’s giftedness.
Heath Lambert serves as assistant professor of biblical counseling as well as the department coordinator of biblical counseling at Southern Seminary and Boyce College. In addition Dr. Lambert serves as Executive Director of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors. He has authored several books including FinallyFree: Fighting for Purity with the Power of Grace (Zondervan), The Biblical Counseling Movement After Adams (Crossway), and the editor (with Stuart Scott) of Counseling the Hard Cases: True Stories Illustrating the Sufficiency of God’s Resources in Scripture (B&H). You can connect with Dr. Lambert on Twitter and Facebook. This article was originally published on the ACBC blog. (Used with permission)